getting better?

this morning i woke up feeling a little better. i dont know if i have woken up from my senses or i am just escaping from reality by trying to ignore it.

i could relate the whole story to YJ over the phone without having to sob again. i could even do with a bitter laughter... my heart still aches though... how could it be so fast? i was just tearing last night during the ktv...

sometimes i wonder if god is playing a joke on me - to let me hear our song "Tell Me Where You Are" by Ago... these are the questions that i wanted to ask...

Life without you is just right, can't you see? (really?)
i feel fine since you are gone, should i say disappeared
i keep holding all my tears since i saw you for the last time
i've been through another year (i wished..)
i must say am a strong girl (i am hoping)
but tell me where you are, where you're sleeping at night
tell me who do you love now, who do you miss now
tell me what you see when you're closing your eyes
if you ever remember i was by your side
(We could be friends thought its so hard when two lovers fall apart)

the rainbow after rain

the sky has been raining every morning since the fateful sunday. it seems that it felt my heart pain and the sorrow i am going through and weeping together with me. i told myself that the day when the sky is bright and sunny, it is the day that i will be better because that is when the rainbow will appear.

i cry and cry, hoping that the tears will wash away my memories of you, wash away my pain that you inflicted upon me. i cry myself to sleep together with coco - the only comfort i have now on the queen size bed, knowing you sleeping with her on our bed, on my side of the bed.

today is your birthday and i can do it is to wish you happy birthday in my heart and to god. you have made your choice to spend it with her. in fact, you made your choice long ago. the moment you packed me away, packed our memories away, decided to look for her in may, went to krabi with her, brought her back home, let her to sleep on my bed and let her be your female passenger seat. basically took over my position in your heart.

all the promises you made before you went on your "self journey" trip are all emptied. it no longer hold anymore. my hope and love for you dashed to powder when you decided to walk the path you chose now. Afterall there is so much love i can give.

i know no one can help me. i pray to god that if you really love her, i pray that she loves you as much as i do. i will pain but i also know god will take this pain away from me.

~happy birthday, dearz dearz~

new work place...

when was my last entry for this blog? must be ages ago for i nearly forgot my password for my sign-in.

i have never feel this bad whenever i start the new job... this is probably the worst out of the 3 times. i am serious... I have always think that i have no problem breaking ice with strangers or colleagues... why does it feel so difficult this time?

on my first day of work, i felt abandoned cos colleague just left me alone in the IT dept to get my laptop & the rest just left for lunch. My first lunch @ work is to eat starbuck sandwich alone. i tried inviting myself to their lunch but how many times can i invite myself to their lunch? sometimes they just go off secretly... besides the weekend, PH and 2-day course, today is the 5th time that i eat alone at lunch within the 2 weeks.

i cant seem to join in in any part of the conversation. is that as good as being dumb? whatever activities they have, they dont ask me so i cant possibly gatecrash right? at this rate, i think i am suffering from depression soon...

长跑健将

你是否是个爱情长跑健将？久久都在爱情的跑道上与爱人慢跑？
我佩服这些在跑道上的情侣们。
或许是自己的性格，我从来都不觉得自己适合跑道。所以需要分隔两地的爱情，我不会考虑或需要与别人分享的，我更不可能接受。
在往公司途中，我在想，恋爱的情侣何尝不像跑道上的健儿？在开始跑的前200米，总是中气十足。恋爱的开始一定是甜蜜，所有的事都千依百顺，蓄势待发。跑的中途，你开始觉得气喘了。在感情上，双方开始看见对方的缺点，不时斗嘴。最后的500米，开始头晕，两脚无力，力不从心。生活中的点滴不满累计，大家怀疑、猜测对方，性格不合。

有些跑了许久也看不到终点。结果，有些选手中途就放弃，一直没有同步的到达终点；有些而继续勇往直前；有些还玩接力赛。少点毅力和恒心，真的还不可以。所以我是双手对在跑道上跑了又跑的人致敬！

虽然我可以是任何事只要能方便别人，我都可以。但是一谈到感情的话，我是绝对的完美主义者。有时我想我几时能看到终点？到终点有这么重要吗？

new found old friends

不知道是不是人年纪越来越大，开始老了，就开始念旧，找回已经失去联络的朋友。

最近因为Facebook迅速的普及化，许久不见及已经失去联络的小学同学逐渐的出现在我的生命中。也许当时年纪小，不懂人情世故，与同学们之间好像没什么很深的友谊。在小六离校后就几乎不曾有联络。

这也没什么不好，只是大家的生活中都不曾有对方，人生经验也截然不同。那现在碰上了，也不晓得能说些什么或该说什么好。就象刚刚才知道朋友的妹妹病魔缠身，明显地他也累了，我并不晓得能安慰什么。

有时候觉得不变也不是一件坏事。

itchy... scratchy...

you probably have no idea now how itchy and scratchy i am feeling... sigh...
i have been having hives since Sunday and apparently it is due to some allergy reactions which i thought was the seafood that i have been eating. When i was young, i used to have hives and followed by fever and it never last beyond 2 days or more.

however i have been plagued by it till today and it is getting much worse. it has been spreading to my arms as well. the medicine and the cream that i got from the doctor do not seem to help at all. i am just so resisting the temptations to scratch them or having hot water over it!

nevertheless, i am heading to national skin care centre to see a dematologist this afternoon... just consultation fees alone is the amount i paid for 2 jabs at the a&e raffles medical hospital... it has better be able to cure me off the hives...

學

一直以來所懷疑的，終于成真了。
幾許的失望，幾許的煩亂，幾許的尷尬
也許那也不是太坏的事，因爲事情總算是有個原因了。

我正在學放手，學視若無睹，是時候離開。

我突然好想去那已轉秋的台北