It Pained Me...

I just need it to get this load off my heart, my mind, my thoughts... It is affecting me too much...

I never never expected that I would ever have any reason to go to IMH and furthermore, to visit a very good friend of mine... Not now... Not @ this age...

I got a call on the Sat morning from a good friend, X. The news that she brought me caused me literally jolted out of my bed and shook me wide awake. "K is admitted to IMH!" My good friend is admitted to IMH... How can that be? How did that happen? I am shocked... She is still so young... She was alright when I saw her 2 weeks ago... Yes, she was depressed and on medication for panic attack but not that serious to the extent of hospital admission...

So I went to see her yesterday with X. My heart went all out to her, my dearest friend.. When I saw her, she seems normal but we all can feel that she is not... She is not her usual self.. Where did her usual self go to? Now, she is just like a kid... She does what she wants subconciously... It is just like what she said to us, she is having her second childhood...

I just cant believe that my good friend has broken down like this... Like X said, she went through so much to get to where she is now and she just lack that bit--just that little bit to get all worth... Why? What has the future install for her now? So many a time I holding back my tears when I saw her yesterday. B'cos I did not want her to see me cry and she doesn't need this from me now..

I pitied her boyfriend cos apparently he does not know how to handle her. Can he live with her for life? Although it may all seems unfair to him, i just hope he endure to the end b'cos I cannot foresee what will happen if he were to leave her now.. Her world will just fall apart and come crashing down...

No one knows when she will fully recover.. When she will have a relapse.. This is a long term treatment.. She just need a quiet space to rest and recuperate..

I admit that seeing her like this, badly affected me... It just saddened me.. I was in the depressed mood the whole day.. But i am very glad that he was there for me when I am down.. He didn't try to talk me out of it.. he just let me talk and cry.. I guess what more can I ask for...

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girl, be strong.. get well.. we're all here for you.. though i know you wont see it but it is okay.. so long you can feel it, that's good enough.. see you on sat again..

First Times...

For the weekend that just passed, I experienced a lot of "first-times"...

For the first time, I actually went over to my bf's house..

For the first time, I am introduced to my bf's mother and chatted with her..

For the first time, my bf is enthusiatic about meeting my parents..

For the first time, my bf met my parents and had dinner together..

For the first time, I see that my brother is talking to my bf...

For the first time, my little niece "interrogates" my bf as if he is my husband-to-be...

For the first time, I had the shoulders of my bf to lie on when am high on alcohol..

For the first time, I went to Rouge with my friends and we all had 4 jugs of long island tea..

For the first time, my bf stayed overnight at my place..

For the first time, he stayed and accompanied me at home on Sunday..

For the first time, we went onto a barge for Redbull's product launch on the waters near marina south..

For the first time, we missed a movie when we bought tickets for it..

For the first time, I feel that this guy is good to me..

But yet, I suddenly feel scared. B'cos for the fact that he treats me so differently from the rest of my other ex-bfs.. I actually for once felt this is so "honey-moon period".. And I am afraid to lose it once all these become in my possession.. Hence I do not wish to "open" & "fall" for it..

OR have I unwittingly fell for it already?

Man & A Hole

Yesterday I went to attend a performance by a local puppet group - The Finger Players. It was not the usual children puppetty but an adult puppetry. It is an interesting performance and would strongly recommend friends to watch it - Twisted

It talked about people falling into a hole that consumed them but everytime, they would manage to get out of it and get on with their life... How many a times do we feel that we have fallen into a hole - dark, cold and endless..? But each and every time we somehow managed to climb out of it. Maybe from another angle, the pit is just a time out for us from the others to recover and heal from our wounds and hurt...

Or others may find that they have a hole in their life or heart that is waiting to be filled... waiting... waiting and just waiting...

I particularly like this verse that is taken out from Twisted and would like to share with you.

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Revisiting old haunts and hurts at every round

Losing their faces and their voices at every turn

Caught in an endless spiral, in an endless flux

I only hope

I've at least burned a small hole in your heart

Perhaps that's my destination, on the road

I hope

WhEre aRe YoU

After a few days into the new r'ship, he has left for Hong Kong early this morning with his bro, cousin and friend for a 4-day trip. Meaning I am back to my singlehood for the next 4 days.. Woohoo!

Ok, i shall not be that bad to be so happy lah.. But at least I am back to meeting my friends and not his friends, brother or cousin... Somehow i feel this is a different r'ship that I have compared to the previous ones.. He is so enthusiatic to introducing me to all his friends and families.. Wants me to join in his gatherings/outings.. always holding my hands for the fear I will run away but yet trying to keep a distance in case i feel suffocated..

When comes to friends, i can handle all of them with ease but when comes to his parents, hmm... maybe because i have no experience at all so when he told me to go to his house, i refused to because i dunno how to handle them.

i saw Mau's blog.. he is facing a dilemma at a crossroad.. I was there once but i guess i just didnt bother anymore after some time.. I just dun wish to think anymore.. Should it come, it will just come.. He/She is the one or not, doesn't matter cos the mystery will reveal itself in due course.

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oh man, another 2 hours before i can go off to meet friends for dinner and i am almost sleeping on my desk... He is happy shopping in HK (as of his latest sms)...

*)%#&%)(#!%&~

A New Start

Just not long ago, I have decided to give myself and the other person a chance to start out something. I am not sure if everything is gonna work out, but I would never know unless I give it a shot...

I just feel that he is a nice guy.. always giving in to me.. going by my way.. Been very understanding and patient with me. I agree that he is much more into me than I am into him but he said "there is never a balance in a relationship as you can never measure equally..."

I guess his sincerity just touched me. I guess I never expect there is ever someone who will be so into me as I would be into him.. I am crossing my fingers that I won't hurt/disappoint him... oh man... i can feel the pressure myself...

This is a time for adjustment - career, friendship & relationship!

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So wish him good luck on this...