Mirror Reflections

Last night I finally managed met up with 2 of my Sec school buddies - Min & JL. It was 2yrs ago when the 3 of us met up for dinner/coffee but that does not mean that we were distant from each other... We still have so much to talk about and update each other about our work, r/s & basically life... These 2yrs all of us experienced different things & got to learn different lessons in life - happy/sad, ups/downs...

JL was bothered by his own r/s as his other half decided to take a time-off in this r/s. Every1 tells JL that is over, she wont come back but i know JL will always harbour a hope so long she did not mention "breakup" bcos i have been thru it...

JL & I are very similar in many aspects like our attitude in r/s... Both of us cannot take loneliness, we always need some1 by our side... We give all unconditionally in a r/s & end up getting all the hurt... But we dunno how to learn bcos to us, i believe that when i start to balance & consider who gave more/less, then this r/s start to lose its meaning...

Min is more level-headed than us. She has different perspective from us. But of course, then there are lot of things we dun agree with each other... I once saw a Taiwanese TV programme & they mentioned that "once u start to be rational in this r/s, this is no longer a true love r/s... Love is meant to be irrational.." Is it true?

When JL & I see each other's life, we seems to be the mirror reflection of each other.. I guess that's why both of us are so close bcos we experience the same things in life...

End of yesterday, he messaged me that we are making ourselves unhappy and we got to walk out together & give ourselves a chance.. We both know is not easy bcos we are stubborn people..

PC crashed!

Thank god that this week is a short week... It's a long weekend which means I get to sleep more! & today is the last day of the working week... wonder if its because of all the workout i did in gym yesterday or what... am tired and aching all over now & heavy head...

Anyway, my PC died on me.. Sigh! This PC has been giving me so much problems & we just changed its graphic card end of last year and now it totally crashed... To be honest, am quite fine cos I didnt have much stuff in the PC since now I transferred all my files to emails... But my bro just lost all his documents and all the 600+ mp3 files that took him so much effort...

Gonna purchase a new PC... Gonna be broke again~ Was still thinking of going on a holiday in May to somewhere near... Was looking at Syndey or Hong Kong... Looks like it gonna be postponed...

Anyone has got a part time job for me?!~

Feeling down... =(

Actually now at this very moment that I am jotting down my thoughts, I am very upset.. Feel terrible.. Was on the verge of tears & was holding back on the bus way home...

Following the blog i wrote this morning, is pretty obvious that am not feeling exactly that happy in my change of new job.. facing abit of a problem...

Met up with WX this evening for dinner and was looking forward to the dinner after a whole restless day.. Over dinner, mentioned that am feeling lost especially in the current proj that am in. Am not sure where am heading & feeling a little pressurised (mainly i stress myself) especially that i've to meet a certain no. of program that am doing.. am not confident at all when 1) time is running short, 2) not enough manpower, 3) no budget to play ard with, 4) partners arent that encouraging & 5) i've no idea what to program.. maybe all the above are just nothing but excuses that I came up myself to make myself feel better...

However, WX just came up with so many things that i can do (though now time is the limiting factor & of course finding the right partners)... He gave me alot of good ideas & suggestions & all the ideas just came flowing through in his head... which i am like "Wow.. thank you!"... am impressed...

On the other hand, I felt terrible... bcos why didnt i think of it? Havent I been in this line for long enough? Do I have nothing to give? I begining to feel am useless... ... *He was so enthusiatic that he didnt notice my sudden change in mood...*

Previously I used to think that perhaps am not given the chance to shine... but just now, i ponder: maybe others did give me the opportunity & i just have nothing to give or contribute...???

For the moment, I lost my self-confidence (or my very little self-confidence to start with...)...

am moody... feel like shutting myself away from others...

My 1st month @ work

21 March marks the 1st month into my new job. Everything seems to pass so fast.. I just had my fortnightly division meeting & it lasted 2.5hrs... Virtual arrows flying through in the air.. Barely survived through the attack.. Oh well...

Many people asked "how's things @ new job place?"... "Ok loh"... To be honest, am still not used to how things are done here... Feel that am still abit lost & unsure where I am heading... Beginning to wonder if I've made the wrong career move? Perhaps I've been in a private company for too long.. Cant really make the sudden adjustment...

Heard my colleague counting down to the end of his 1-yr contract... I was then joking that I might not even last a year! It is a totally new and different environment from where I came from - the people, the procedures, the job...

It's slow-paced here compared to the previous job.. which means people here also seems to work & reply emails slow as well... A simple job needs to wait for a few days before given the green light to go ahead. I guess i only know 1-tenth of the people in the organisation after a month & there are people here who worked for years & yet still living in a world of their own...

Worried that I might not last long here.. Gosh... Having a headache now & have to travel to Bukit Merah later for a meeting... *bushed*...

BUT at least, I have a dinner appt which i think is probably the only thing that brightens up my Tuesday.. =D

Something Stupid

Something stupid...

I began to wonder if am one that always do stupid things for the person I like... Am a person led by heart.. I often do things as and when I feel like it...

Like I can just buy a big glass container & filled it up with bitter chocolate he likes... buy little stuff for him that I think is cute... went over to his house mid-night to pass him fav chocolate to destress him after work.. woke up @ 10am to meet him for lunch despite I only slept at 5am after drinking.. buy a piece of choc cake, just passed it to him & left... wake up @ 6am in the monring to ask my mum to teach me how to make "liang teh" for him...

Although all these arent any romantic things, these are little things that I like to do.. it makes me happy... but then, I dunno if it makes him happy or am just irritating him... if he appreciates the things I have done... Then I began to think " why am i doing these stupid things?"

It can be quite sad that after all the things you have done, you feel that he doesnt seems that appreciative or happy to see you... Perhaps when these things always happen. they start to think little of such actions... People start to take things for granted...

Man....

Gave in to my sickness...

Finally I couldn't take it anymore... I went to see a doctor this afternoon... Things are not getting better... I sounded like a frog croaking... with my heavy head as well..

Waited very long for at the doctor... there were alot of people jumping queue... apparently they made a booking since in the early morning... oh well... it still finally came to me...

It was a short 10mins consultation & total 3 kinds of medicine that puts me to sleep... I only woke up near 9pm - gorgy... now gonna take again & I taste bitter on all stuff...

Tomorrow still gotta work... Sigh...

Messaged someone since afternoon but still no reply till now... Kinda sad... am still waiting for reply... =[ Dont think i can wait anymore...

Whining Away...

My throat still HURTS!!! My head feels like there are tonnes of iron in it... Heavy & Blurry... Sigh.. I didnt even feel like waking up this morning at all... Got a comforting sms which I thought I wont receive, though it still brought a faint smile to my face... I still dragged myself out of bed, since I needed to finish up the minutes of last week meeting... My drive A is not working.. I need to get a thumb drive this week, hoping it will solve all the problems...

The heavy feet dragged me across my room, staring at my wardrobe for 5mins.. Nothing on my mind.. "Dress simple"... Still didnt feel any better after my usual bath.. My throat feel coarse, as if I had swallowed cups of sands.. Sigh..

Slept throughout the journey the moment i got myself a seat on the bus, hugging my laptop & document bag.. I didnt even bother to get myself breakfast.. colleagues said I sounded bad & looked real tired.. Cut my hand just and I actually poured cold water into my cup while making tea & didnt realise it till 10mins later... This is not good... Am gonna head home early in the afternoon once am done with my stuff... I have to cancel my dinner appointment.. I just wanna be in my bed, with all my bears...

I Had A Dream...

I saw a lean figure walking my way, searching for someone familiar. As he walked towards me, I saw his unkempt hair moving, swaying with the wind. He seems cool with style.. Then, finally he saw the familiar face he was searching for...

But as he walked nearer to me, I saw his weary face... His sunken cheeks... The dull, tired eyes... The discoloured restless face (he didnt shave)... I felt bad... He looked real bad... For that moment, I wanted to hold him in my arms and give him the hardest hug with all my strength... buried my face at his neck... For 1 time, I felt the wrenched heartache... I just wanted to touch him...

********************

I had a dream few nights ago... I dreamt of someone I once being so familiar with & now yet so distant... I no longer find the familiarity on his face... A stranger... I dreamt of all the things we have done, laughed, enjoyed... together... Then the familiar sound tells me that things are no longer the same... Everything has changed... He has gotten another familiar one...

Then I realised, havent I forget about this? Havent I been numb? If so, why I can still feel the lingering hurt? Is this going to hide itself in a crack in my heart? The past just slide through my mind like the thrillers of the new movie...

"Cherish what you have now" - How do 1 know that he/she has cherished that moment they have now? Does cherish mean you dont feel regret nor disappointed when its no longer there? Can anyone enlighten me?

I don't feel well... Am having sore throat... Yearning someone to sayang me & pamper me like a little girl... feel silly though... Silly isn't it? =)

New Thoughts...

Tiring morning but haha, when i was reading my friend's blog this morning, its kinda nice to know that someone has read ur blog & was making comments on hers as well although it wasnt so much of her agreeing with me... =) and not forgetting those who left valuable comments on my post as well.. thank you thank you... =D

Just 2 nights ago, i received a somewhat familiar sms - "R u awake?" from my friend who is suffering from a serious depression relapse.. the 1st time when i called her after getting the same msg (though i was dead tired..), she was crying on the other end of the phone & trying to speak at the same time for almost 1hr before she decided to slam down the phone on me thou am not sure if i had said the wrong things...

do i lack of the patience nowadays or am i just afraid & worried? when i received her sms that night, i actually hesitated to call her bcos am not sure if am going to get the same response & not sure if am up to it (since i now head to bed quite early after the change of job)...

i understand & sympathise the situation that she is in & of cos, to a certain degree agrees with her that this society is not that forgiving to patient like her who does need a job to support her & her medical fees especially she just lost her job... again...

i know deep down inside that she desperately needs my help and i cant possibly leave her in a lurch.. but on the other hand, am helpless & dont know how about going to help her & get her out of this situation... just worried that i'll worsen her condition... SIGH (big time!)

Some1 mentioned before that this is an emotional blackmail but i disagree cos she just needed some1... just some1 to give her the attention & comfort to tell her that she is not alone in this world... if she is well & fine, she dont need my immediate attention...

I hope (sincerely) she'll be able to overcome & stand on her feet again... she needs to overcome this with her efforts & determination...

Complicating triangle affairs...

Was talking to my gal-fren last night over msn & she's having some problem with her partner & now, am also on it "counselling" my guy-fren on the same topic... 3rd party... Not quite exactly same situation though..

Gal-fren asked if i think 1 is able to love/like 2 persons @ the same time. i think so & its just a matter of who's more impt to u @ tt pt in time... she posted if i could tolerate if my bf still have feelings for his ex... well, in a lover's eye, she cant even tolerate a grain of sand, let alone the presence of a person... but if he's honest & open abt it & not doing anything abt it, i think tt's fine for me.. Perhaps its true tt when u cant hv tt person/love, u'll just keep tt in a corner of ur heart with fond memories... Do u count tt as cheating?

Guy-fren agrees with my msn nick "Love is such a complicated matter.. why risk in it?"... when i wrote tt, its more of if we know it is so complicated, then why do we risk everything in? Can 1 determine how much to put it? But being in a r/s, doesnt it mean to give ur best to make it work with no regrets?

He is having some probs with his partner cos he thinks tt he is "flirting" with some1 else tt is making him uncomfortable & scare of losing him... I guess his partner is also just testing water to see if things will work out better with the new person.. My friend will just have to talk it out & make things clear with him.. if not, suspecting ur other half in a r/s is both mentally & emotionally tiring chore... But am i not too? Haha... I need to learn tt as well...

Marry or not?

Just woke up @ 3.30pm after an overnight mahjong session with my friends till 6am this morning... Seems like a lazy life of a rich tai-tai... Hmmm... "tai-tai"... just before the mahjong session, i had dinner with my jc gal-frens @ fish & co.,catching up... then mentioned that 1 of my gal-fren is getting rom this oct after knowing this guy for a few months... woah! lightning strike!

And during the mahjong session, we were "questioning" my guy-fren what is he looking for in a girlfriend and she said that we are already 25 this year & should not delay any longer.. if not, we'll still have to work hard in our 50s for our kids...

Oooh.. marriage seems to be the topic of our gatherings nowadays... just thinking behind the back of my mind... a year ago, am like most of the girls, hoping to get married young, have kids and have family.. but lately, when i see my friends who just broke up or those who are married & had kids, i began to wonder if i can live my life like that...

For one, i cant even be sure how long i can be in that r/s, liking or loving that person before marriage. How long can I continue loving that person bcos i feel that a r/s without love but just commitment/responsibility is not enough for me..

Next, i see that my friends are tied at home with thier kids, in-laws and husband and inevitably, they can no longer join us in our gatherings, outings... slowly they seems to be out of the circle & distant from us... is that why some people said that marriage is a tomb of freedom?

I am not saying that marriage is bad... i still agree to getting married & have kids but maybe not too young.. for i still wants to enjoy going out late without having to worry & join my friends for drinks & dance... But not to the point being left on the shelf when every1 is married & no1 to go out with... follow the majority i guess? =P

So for now, i think being single for me is good.. being involved in a few non-commitment flings sounds good too... haha! Afterall, life is short!

Can one be alone & be happy?

Am bored in this office... everyone is busy with their own stuff & work... Am hiding at a corner, behind my screen, doing nothing... My colleague is on MC so am left all alone for lunch today... There I was looking for people to lunch with me... Apparently, i seems to be the free one only...

Then it dawned on me again: I am never one person that enjoys solitude, loneliness.. I never like to do things alone, eat alone, shop alone, watch a movie alone or ANYTHING alone... it is just feel so pathetic to be alone by myself & imagine everyone is looking @ you to give up your table during peak hour just becos you are alone... No1 to share interesting things you see nor gossip... I would rather skip lunch/dinner or just rot @ home... i can stay at home the whole day alone rotting around, doing my cross-stitch, reading, watching tv etc...

What if one day, when am old and am still single and alone, can i live through that? Probably not... Ha! Probably i'll check myself into 1 of those nursing homes or get a few friends to share the house (that provided others are single as well!)

Think I'll never be able to live alone & be happy... I ponder...

It is raining again... =(

1st raining morning

Today is the first rainy morning of the year... first rainy morning of my new job... & the creation of my new blog... (dont expect much cos am not good @ it yet!)

It is a good morning to sleep in, to rest, to laze, to lament about the past, present & future... =)
Didnt have a good start in the morning especially with my back & muscles aching, coffee stains on my white blouse... what a day!

Been feeling abit down since 2 days ago... partly bcos i felt a little lost in the new place & after talking to someone who once been such a dear to me & am also missing some one too... ha! am wallowing in self-pity.. maybe when the more you realised that you cant have that person by your side, the pain you feel becomes more obvious...

The ray of the morning sun is spilling onto my desk through the window.. hope everything will look more cheerful to me...